Poetry 2022

January
Jan. 05, 2022

That forever damned kid in the mirror
Staring back at me with empty eyes and a tired smile
He reaches out and my fingertips touch cool glass
Oh how does a kid so young find himself with a cord around his neck
Aged up 10 year old and a note on his bedside table
He goes up to the roof


Jan. 09, 2022

“Will I be missed ?”
It’s him again,
That little kid. He can’t be older than ten or eleven
I can’t say I blame him,
But he keeps staring at me and following me around
Not that it’s bad, but when I look at him
I cry


Jan. 11, 2022

What they don’t tell you about being sick, sick like me,
Is that it won’t get better or easier
I’ll always be sick, you’ll always be sick
You wake up with the heaviness of fatigue turning your bones to lead
You sit as you get dressed, standing is too much right now
Ignore the headache and dizziness and the pain in your ankles and knees as you walk down the stairs
Your shoulders hurt as you carry your bag
You meet up with some friends, so grit your teeth and smile
Your throat hurts your head hurts
Keep up the cheery helpful mask ! They’ll like you that way
Empty pill and vitamin bottles decorate my room
Too many crafting hobbies because they hurt the least
Hide your illness under layers of clothes and kindness
“You’re so strong ! I wish I had your confidence”
Ignore the weird bruising and scabs and trembling and patchy hair
It won’t get better. Ever. Exercise does nothing.
Feel like you’re drowning, your brain filled water and dehydration
Take your meds ! Remember to eat healthy ! Do your exercises !
Take a breath and center yourself and learn to ignore your pain
Learn to not know when you’re okay or not
Grieve your health as much as you need, I’ll stay for I cannot leave
You’ll learn to live in this darkness, find us and we will guide you
There are no lanterns in this hell so stumble around and find a friend
And grit your teeth and pretend to be well


Jan. 15, 2022

how separate are humans from animal
animals are human are they not ?
if humans are animals they must be
standing on two legs
hideous, furless, predatory creatures
not apex, no, no
both predator and prey
we learn to hunt, like carnivores
we learn to harvest, like herbivores
and us prey must learn to pray to survive
we as animals, as beasts, we learned to sing
we aren't good, not holy nor romantic
animals must eat, we must eat
we were made with molars to chew
canines to tear flesh
does it matter what flesh ?
mammals are made for warmth
pack animals made for contact and closeness
holding you with my body
holding you in my arms
hugs and kissing and intimacy and sex
now i hold you with my body- but in a different way
your flesh is between my teeth
your blood is in my throat
and your bones in my hands
we are not romantic beings, my dear
from violence we were made and to violence we shall return


Jan. 16, 2022

tear my teeth into you
i write not of religion
how beautiful the idea of being made of star-matter
but the reality of the burning and the screaming
i carry the name of the sun
not in the warmth or life it gives
but in the fire and death and lacking that it brings
treating you with the same care as a surgeon
but you are lain upon a dinner table instead


Jan. 28, 2022

today I looked at my self in the mirror and tried to recognise myself
I look odd, with awkward limbs and an ever--shifting face
that person is pretty, sure
but I can’t understand why that’s meant to be me
I can’t remember what I look like when I look away
pulling at my mouth, holding eyes open with my fingers
I’m still myself, right?
am I a liar for changing so, evil for making people love someone that is gone? (or never was?)
a clone same as in a week, but different from yesterday
same skin, new person? new skin, same person?
and the girl that was in my place, prior?
I am the Creation, perfect model of God, holy in making
but I stare, and I stare, and I only see my self as ugly and broken
do my lips speak curses or of scripture?
do my eyes see our saints or only false idols?
what do I deserve to eat, to make and speak?
metamorphosis is not to be rushed
is one made of the same flesh simply a copy, was Eve ever her own?
I am the beast, not good nor kind
our bodies are shaped for each-other so well
you hold a warm body within your arms, giving yourself to vultures while living
you are the ideal, all I can never be
I do hold, despite, but I sustain myself using the very same bodies you nurse with your soul
call me horrible, a monster while I eat the flesh of your “infants”
but humans have canines for a purpose


February
Feb. 10, 2022

O how easy to let go
In one small motion, I am gone
I hoped that on my grave flowers would grow
Remember me in bird-song
And I died that day so long ago
Though I never aged
How do I mourn my own death ?
My life feels like a performance on stage
Will anyone remember my last breath ?
Many would love to never grow old
But dying always feels too cold


Feb. 10, 2022

Take my hand,
I want to dance with you ‘til the end,
A drunk, clumsy waltz in a torn dress
Our feet hurt but we’ll keep on 'til we can’t stand
The sky is turning red and there are too many letters you have yet to send
Stars bubble out of your laugh, the moon looks so pretty from our small piece of land


Feb. 10, 2022

As above, so below
As below, so above
Alone ? What a silly thought
You’d give your life for a chance to kiss the sun
But you never look at yourself
You can’t bear the underground
The place of the buried, the lonely, the lost, and the gone
You seek for greater value, a higher purpose
You are the dust, not good nor bad
Living in a planetarium, quiet and surrounded by stars
Comets are not holier than thou
Sun burning bright and giving life to so many
An Icarus so proud and sure, hating his home
Home and closure is not found in other galaxies
Call your world divine when it has given you nothing more than sunburn
Search within,
Below it all, below the ash and pain lies a sun below your skin

You are the Earth, you are at peace
As above, so below
As on Earth, so in the universe


Feb. 27, 2022

Oh my mother, a woman so dear to me
When you look at my body,
Tell me, what do you see?
How many times have you imagined me, defenseless and bloody?
I sit by you, clutching your arm and loving you
You visit on Sundays and leave daffodils on my grave
I take a knife and cut an apple for us, my hate and love oh so true
My life is so small, like how the ocean swallows a wave
Cigarette smoke, I sit at the edge of the building and pray
Mary have mercy, as I watch my hope fade away
All I ever needed was a mother, a kind adult that I could trust
But after all this, my heart became as guarded as the Earth’s crust
I peel an orange, for you, and leave the knife on the kitchen table
I go up to this oh holy roof, in a world so unstable
And I jump


March
Mar. 07, 2022

Twin graves, standing tall
English ivy, crawling along a brick wall
Oh baby, let me go, let me go
I knew much more than a kid should ever know
//
Apple trees, grown from two small seeds
Little sprouts, growing like weeds
Oh, oh, pretty angel, you can’t save me anymore
Skipping stones on the lake, walk with me along the shore
//
A single cup of black coffee, hot and steaming
A child, locked himself in the bathroom, started screaming
Haunt this our home with me, my darling
Ten flowers, take my words as a warning


Mar. 10, 2022

What if we could love like how a cat loves sunbathing
Like how a dog loves walking
Tell me, Lover, what you think of the stars
Promise me, Lover, to come home from your personal wars
Oh, Lover, you are my sun, you are the letter to my rose stamps
I am to you like a moth to a gas-lamp
I taste you in my tea, honey and sweetness
I see you and wonder how others, when you are here, can be hopeless
I sit here, in my garden, by a peach tree mid-blossom
I swear to love you all the way from winter until autumn
What if we could love like the sun and the sea
So far apart but always together, like bread and wine
What if we were both Romeo and Juliet at the same time


Mar. 12, 2022

In this Heavenly place founded by only fate,
with a merciful Father watching over,
she watches and waits, swearing he’ll come home.
She promises, “he’s just running late.”
Being watched over, by clouds soft as clover,
She swears she won’t stop waiting ‘til she turns to stone


Mar. 15, 2022

To me it was worship,
For my actions I was hung
They promised, to raise my lover up, if I gave him a kiss so gentle
I know how my unholy declaration stung
"Judas, please, do not tell them, be not as judgmental"
My lover cried, but I was blinded by their words
O Lord, O lord, I hate you
You call me traitor, a liar
And maybe in another world
I'd understand why you choose for me to die
For how can a show of love so chaste and safe be so sinful
O Icarus, fly me to the sun. I need to escape, please don't worry about being careful
I am the flesh. I am the blood. Not holy but worthy
Give me the stars to drink, the planets to eat
Hallelujah hallelujah!
Make me, God, in the image of the beautiful, ever changing and ever turning
A hum turned growl, kiss turned bite.
I am in the image of Jesus, fully man and fully animal
I do not turn in the moonlight
But I am broken, burnt, beast, monster
Jesus O Holy God, save me save me
Mother Mary kill me, save me, take away my filth and sin
Lay me down to rest in the dirt, for I am soil


Mar. 20, 2022

A small ant, no bigger than a splinter, walks along my finger
“Do you have dancing?”
It asks,
“What?”
“To us you are giants, tall and destructive, fumbling fools.
Why is that?
You have songs and love and romance, yet you kill.
You kill so much, you kill us without noticing, you care not for our grief
You kill each other in wars and disputes over land that is not yours You say that it is important to find beauty in chaos, but you make the chaos.
So do you have dancing, truly?
Can you when you step over so many graves?”
It walks off,
And I cry


Mar. 23, 2022

No one remembers his death, his dying wish, but only his hubris,
The tale of Icarus shapes our society like soft clay.
We cup our hands and try to capture this honey-warm sunshine,
Tan skin and smatterings of freckles a testimony to our devotion.
Like Dawn brushing past the Earth, like the Moon embracing the sea,
Wings of wax melt and shine golden with near-victory.
And as our Hero falls from grace like an angel into the oceans,
A whispered wish and legacy- to touch the sun -arises.
And on today our dear day, a calm washes over us all.
In a first for humanity,
A manmade spacecraft has kissed the Sun.
And his wings finally settle.


Mar. 31, 2022

I wish I was different
I wish I was prettier and kinder
I wish my body was softer
I wish I didn't feel sick everytime I stand in front of the mirror
I wish my mother loved me
And I wish my father hated me
I wish I could make girls stop and stare at the sound of my voice
I wish I had dark, fluffy hair I could mess up
I wish boys would write about me in their journals and girls would draw me in their math notes
I wish my eyes were dark and striking
I wish I didn't crave the feeling of smoke on my lips
I wish I was a ghost and that people would miss me
I wish I were different


June
June 24, 2022

i don’t think i’d be bored as a ghost
i could visit my friends
maybe hold hands if we can
i’d write about what it feels like to die
i’d write about the ocean
i’d finally keep a diary
it would be important
would i see the stars in a new way ?
in a way the living can’t ?
i don’t care for spirituality but
i wish i was a ghost


July
July 01, 2022

O lover, come close to me
I want to feel your breath on my shoulder
Run away with me, and rest your body
We’ll build a home together
No matter the weather
O lover, come close to me
And let yourself just be
My dear, my darlin’
We’ll have a pretty garden
And I’m just an obsessive girl
And I can’t drive, yet,
But I’d like to take you for a whirl
O lover, come close to me
And let me tell thee
What an honour it is to hold you in my arms


July 02, 2022

She turns to face her mirror.
“I don’t like you,” it whispers,
“How could anyone ever like someone as beastly as you?”
She turns her head and tries to hide her tears,
Her reflection’s face flickers with shame.
She’ll never be Her,
An Aphrodite, beauty incarnate.
With Her golden blue eyes, rosy cheeks,
Honey-dipped voice and bone-china skin.
In her mind are all visions, pretty girls with dollish bodies,
Pretty girls with billowy dresses and musical laughter.
The voice braiding her hair, in cotton-soft voices, tell her,
They tell her slick lies and offer her bitter comfort.
They hold her like a dying raven’s wings,
No olive branch in sight.
And she breaks, and with her soul so does the mirror.


July 25, 2022

Oh she’s all soft smiles and crinkly eyes,
With honey-sweet lips and silk-smooth skin.
Her warm hands hold my face, telling me pretty lies.
Any argument, with her floral voice, she’ll win.
Dear Lord above,
How could you be so cruel?


August
Aug. 06, 2022

It’s late my darling, why are you still up?
Come back to bed,
The stars will stay another day
(Even if we don’t)
We’ll dance in the morning,
Watching the sun rise and world set
Our legs and backs will ache, our hearts too
I’m so tired my love, come rest in my arms
We’ll be gone come morrow, but I’m glad you’re here now


Aug. 13, 2022

Today I saw a tomato plant,
It was growing in a small garden
The tomatoes were shiny and green and unripe
And I felt a sense of longing,
To hold and care for as these tomatoes are
To love is to care, to provide and protect
I want to bake and cook for my family
Family, what an odd word, perfect and broken all in one
And mine is beautiful,
Made of people whom I love more than life
Whom I love on purpose
I want to dance in the living room
And sweep a busy kitchen
And make "home" a safe and warm word
And say "te amo"
I want someone to grow tomatoes with


Aug. 17, 2022

I find it silly when people call my mother tongue a romantic language. Because that’s the language I’ve spoken since I could talk. It’s a language of my family, of lullabies and teary apologies. It’s my mother tongue and my mother’s also, and her mother’s, and her mother’s, and and and-. It’s the language I speak when too tired to process anything else. So, no, my first language is not one of romance, but rather safety and comfort.


Aug. 21, 2022

I’m not religious, but I pray
It’s mostly a comfort thing now,
But it’s soothing to repeat words and speak aloud- even if it is only a murmur
I’m not religious, but I pray
I typically pray to God, for many things,
To shift punishment onto me, to heal my loved ones, to relieve guilt
I’m not religious, but I pray
It helps, sometimes


September
Sept. 10, 2022

She has tired eyes and a sad smile
Her hands are crooked and her knees are shaky
She can’t get up for anyone in the world
Her fatigue is greater than a canyon
She’s selfish and in her chest is a blackhole
Her head pounds and aches
She hasn’t cried in ages but her makeup’s still smudged
Her clothes are torn and her hair is wet
I hate her so much
So I turn around and walk away from the mirror


Sept. 11, 2022

Tomorrow is a new, better day
My hands are crooked
But I can write, but I can draw and type
So it’s fine, it’s okay
I’m fine
My joints are achy
But I can walk and run and stretch
So it’s all right, it’ll be fine
I’m fine
My chest hurts, breathing hurts
But I can laugh and cry and cough
So life is great, it’s fine
I’m fine
Tomorrow is a new, better day.
Hopefully.


October
Oct. 27, 2022

It’s hard to grieve something you never had
It’s a hollow, thumping ache in your heart,
It’s holding yourself oh so closely
It is unshed tears and drowning
I have been raising myself for so long,
A dysfunctional family of one
I long for a love I’ll never receive,
My fatigue sinks deeper than my bones
It takes all I have not to let go
I’m tired of being strong, of being sick, of being angry
But I have to keep going, don’t I ?
I have to keep working to be worthy of love,
Right ?


November
Nov. 28, 2022

I hold my grief so close to my chest
I cradle her like she is the most precious thing in the world
I hold her hand and kiss her bruises when she cries
I watch as she loves so freely and cares so carelessly
I am broken, shattered like a mirror
But she holds my hand and tells me it’s okay to cry
She never fears my anger, knows I will never hurt her
I hold my grief in my arms, and watch as she drifts into sleep
She has been so hurt, we have been so hurt,
So I swear that she will never suffer at my own hands