Poetry 2021

April
Apr. 16, 2021

There's a ghost that lives in my head
His eyes are the colour of lead
At night he floats around,
Making an awful ghoulish sound
The noise fills my ears and keeps me up at night
//
Ther's a ghost that haunts my life
Cutting up my thoughts and words like a knife
He wears this patchy sheet
I think it used to be white
But it's faded to the colour of dried wheat
//
There's a ghost that spends his days in my room
Most of the time he's looking up at the moon
I don't know where he's from or when he came
But he likes you the most
I think it's because you have a ghost
In your mind that is much the same
//
When did our heads become a graveyard for the undead

May
May 05, 2021

my body is a temple
but the god it was made for is gone
its been overrun by mice and bugs
//
my body is a home
but the foundation is cracking
its haunted both by the living and the dead
//
my body is a church
a place of worship
but the priest was killed
//
my body is a temple
so why does it feel like a prison?


May 22, 2021

I was made from wood and clay,
A figure of scraps and ugly pieces.
Shaped by rough and callused fingers.
Broken over and over again by soft, perfect hands
For not being beautiful enough.
But I’ve rebuilt every time,
Each time a bit more fragile than the last.
Teach me what kindness is supposed to feel like,
Make me new again with porcelain and silk.
Fix me and get rid of the dirt and sickness that covers my skin.
Form me a new heart of love and moonlight.


May 28, 2021

The monsters and demons you see at night aren’t here for you
They do not prey on those that are afraid
They serve to protect the meek, the tired and those that cannot defend themselves
The dark is exists so you may hide, it watches over you and keeps you safe
The ghosts and shadows kill those that are the source of your sadness and tears
Victors write history, so maybe that’s why we call the creatures of the dark monsters
Those we call angels, heroes, are the ones you should avoid and fear
For they are the ones that poison the land they touch



September
Sept. 27, 2021

you are not made up of the future
you are made up of the present and bits and pieces of memories and happiness
so eat that slice of cake, wear that outfit, cut your hair, use that bath bomb
don't deny yourself the simple pleasures of life because you don't think it's "the right time"
your future self will thank you for taking care of yourself



October
Oct. 06, 2021

I'll devote my life to you, your glass heart shall never shatter
As long as I am here I will hold you in my arms
I'll build you a million churches, a thousand shrines
You will be religion, my lover
No one will ever do you any harm
I'll buy you the softest silks and the finest wines
I'll teach you to paint, to love, to trust, to sing, to weave
And I want you to know
That if you ever want to leave
I will let you go


Oct. 06, 2021

Don't call me evil,
For not being able to love
You were never my prince charming
Was I not your perfect little dove?
You are worse than the devil
Was I too hard to kill?
And now the buzzards are swarming
And now I haunt your mind as a hellish ghost
Isn't it such a shame that you were never in my will
I know that my mother cried the most
I know that you feel no remorse
And so I will make them all see
What you did
And how horrible you can be
And of the pain and anguish you shall never be rid


Oct. 07, 2021

A shadow of a kiss,
You were a person made so holy
And yet a soul ever so lonely
Tears of mourning turn to blood,
A favourite blanket tearing at the seams
A tired aching to be loved
Only the moon seeing the ways your eyes gleam
A tragic story of death,
A haunting lullaby as soft as a final breath


Oct. 10, 2021

I know that you did all you could
And so did I
But it would be a lie,
If I said that you did all that you should
How could a bedtime story turn so tragic?
Our scars were never something that could be fixed by magic
//
I know you tried your best,
And I know that I should have done better
But for now let's just take a rest
I still love you, and we can't blame ourselves for fruit turning bitter
//
I can't blame you for our bittersweet past
But I can't pretend I'm not hurt by it,
And I can't say that I will ever forgive you
Now I feel safe at long last
So won't you come with me and just sit?
And stare at the stars while we watch the world pass through


Oct. 12, 2021

do you think that when our sun or planet is destroyed and we have to move to another one, do you think we will be homesick? missing our planet and our sun, our solar system and our stars?


Oct. 13, 2021

I'm sorry for not being able to love you more
I'm sorry for my pain
I will do my best
I will love as much as I can
I'm trying my best to get better, I promise
Just please take care of you while I'm gone
I'll be home soon, I just have to go a while


Oct. 13, 2021

I want to kill someone
But like I want to make him cry before I do
Wipe that smug look off his face
I want to make him feel my pain
I want to make him suffer
I want to see that look on his face when he realises that he is never going to be able to achieve his fucking dreams, he didn't tell his family he loves them
I want him to beg and beg, I want his death to be horrible and long and I want his face to be frozen in fear as I beat him to death
I want to stab him and wash my hands in his blood while he's still alive
Maybe I'll let him live, but he'll be broken, unable to say anything, I want him to know that I am watching him and I will not hesitate to hurt him even more
I want to tie him up and let out all my anger onto him until he dies of old age
I want to be kind and warm to him some days and bake him cakes and cookies
And the next I'd slice up his legs and carve hearts into his arm


Oct. 17, 2021

Look upon my face,
And understand that you are worthy and cherished
When you finally can look at yourself in the mirror,
All you need to know is written on your arms and chest
Memorise the stars you find in your eyes and limbs
Your sight is not permanent
And neither is the skin on your tired bones


Oct. 17, 2021

Look me in the eyes and tell me their sorrow is worthless
You pray to your god knowing that He created your hell
You cannot kill me, you could not live with the weight of being a killer
So get up on that stage and preach as you fool the masses
But be not surprised when you are dragged back by my sharp hands,
My hands.
Your god is real, He is warm and loving and kind.
He is repulsed by you
Rest your voice as you gaze upon your sins
Your filthy hands taint everything they touch
You will never be known


Oct. 22, 2021

Know the anger that is welling and boiling and burning under my skin
A tiny, vunerable child bathed in red light
Hands reaching out as if they still hold fondness for each other
And yet both knowing that the anger and rage and pain overshadows it
Hunger and madness of the wolves that roam outside my home
I am not an evil person
I am a child driven to madness. A child that is hungry and tired and running on fumes
The world is ending and there is nothing else to do other than be angry and try to fight for your last shred of humanity
We are not any better than the devil
We are already dead and yet we need to kill to survive
We will bare our teeth and laugh and feel no remorse as we see the world go down in our flames


Oct. 25, 2021

Every day I come home
I see the steps, the fallen leaves, my dog, my desk
But most of all, the garden
It's not the prettiest thing, with faded dark greens and sickly reds,
Weeds seem to live there permantently
But we still try to manage it
My favourite is the elephant ears, huge and vibrant green beauties
But of course, as is with all things, they wild and die in the winter
It starts off small, some tiny leaves fading off into the earth
But as the days get colder and my skin starts to crack
You see the leaves turn to dirt and the stems rotting away
And my love freezes over, turning my heart to stone
It's sad, I think
I'm not too sure but that's what others say
I don't mind it much, it's simply a part of growth
Going back and having some progress decay,
After all, the roots will stay no matter the season
Soon, too soon some think, spring shall come again
And with it the lush greens and delicate flowers will be born again
But my love won't be restored, simply refusing to thaw
Leaving the pain of winter and regret behind like a snow-kissed wind


Oct. 28, 2021

The tragedy of Icarus is a quiet tale, a story told much too loud
A story of hubris, we tell our children and yell from the streets
But no one noticed as he drowned
All the churches and people blocking out the sound
When his soul returned home his body was never found,
All that is left of the man are his tired, old bed sheets
And although we now try to immortalize his form in the clouds,
His life is one of those rare things that was never missed
Life goes on, with or without, just as he had always wished


Oct. 31, 2021

Oh the beauty to be able to live in such a world,
Where all experience sunsets, laughter, grief and joy
We are all together by choice
The softness of connection, of touch
We stay with each other even in blinding darkness,
Just for the hope of warmth and light
The Lord gave us the sun and moon, grass and trees, every animal
I swear to dedicate my life to you, to stay even when you feel like dying
Nothing, natural or supernatural, could ever make us part ways
I’ll give you every-thing I have, my love, my life, my blood, my soul
It’s never going to get better, the size of your wounds will not lessen
But they will scar over, I’ll do my best to support you in your pain
It’ll never be easy, your scars will forever stain your soul
But we’ll get out of here soon, it’s going to be okay, I promise



November
Nov. 02, 2021

I was a girl
I was
And oh how beautiful she was, the delicate little thing
She was cracked, but what child isn't ?
I still think of her, even now
I still visit her grave on Sundays and leave her flowers
Oh how perfect she was, my darling child
People weren't there for her often, but I always was
Sometimes her tears still fill my dreams and her cries fill my nightmares
And of course I want her back, I want her to see how far we've come
To tell her to keep going, that I'll love her always
But we both know
That she could never have stayed, she was always intended to die
I don't like dwelling on that
And I know that I'll see her once more very soon
And I know that the same fate that came to her shall fall unto me
So for now her memories of warmth and anger shall have to suffice


Nov. 04, 2021

Your God is a merciful one, but he is disgusted with what you are
No angel of heaven or demon of hell cares for your existence
You call me a monster and yet you cannot bare to look at your reflection
Look upon my eyes, the eyes of the people,
And know that you are hated


Nov. 20, 2021

Isn’t that so funny ?
Love, it’s always been like this
Now I just got better at sticking to my my purpose


Nov. 20, 2021

Taste my blood on your lips and call it sweet
You cry and cry before the jury
Named after a saint and has the personality of a devil
Your words taste of bile while reading from the bible


Nov. 26, 2021

Love is a tricky thing
It sticks to my hands like a too-warm piece of gum
Sometimes it’s kind and a soft blue
Other times it’s a bright, horrible red that bites and stings
There are some that never find love, I think I’m one of those few
My love fell apart, and so I sewed it back together messily
Now it looks odd, which is bigger? The parts or the sum?
I never understood, I thought the string of fate was silly
So now I’m sewing mine into my art and poems, just tiny bits
My head never swirled with pink and red
Though it has turned golden, shimmering blood gushing out as it bled
The candle in my chest is wrong but it is bright, burning and lit
I’ve never been close with love, speaking to it with stiff politeness
We used to be closer, me and love, but that doesn’t matter
And as I listen to my friends and their mindless chatter
I know that despite my empty heart, I’ll never feel loneliness


Nov. 27, 2021

I don’t pray by kneeling and speaking softly
I pray in small ways,
I knead my love and faith into bread dough
I weave my hope into my knitting and sewing
My worship is not to a lord or god
With my stubbornness and a kiss my speechless words are sent to the stars
The years of weeping and hopelessness drift aimlessly in a kind void
I pray not for help, not to anyone
Simply to let my emotions be spoken without a sound


Nov. 27, 2021

You still there?
I still miss you
I never stopped loving you
I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you, firefly
I just… Needed time to myself
But that’s no excuse, right ?
Are you doing well ?
Are you happy there ? I hope you are
Maybe I'm just speaking to the air,
But I’d like to think that you think of me still
Do you remember, my firefly ?
We’re running out of time,
Just know that I see you in the night-sky
Oh, oh, oh goodbye my lovely firefly


Nov. 30, 2021

i weep the tears of thousands
the thumping ache of grief hitting my legs, shoulders, stomach and head
a tiredness that can come only from carrying the lives of others in my arms in all do


Nov. 30, 2021

love rising in my chest, threatening to burst out
I’m drowning in my love
Gasping for air
Can I breathe under water
I can but it burns and it eats at my insides as i swim
Save me from love




December
Dec. 03, 2021

It’s quiet in the chapel
Who am I to blame him ?
Ephesians 6:2
A monster baptized and blessed
Divinity in the heart of a beast
Halo shining and draping white robes cover all sins
What a funny thought, no ? Cain as an angel,
Golden eyes of god and the pearly wings of doves
Wash your hands in holy water to get off the blood
Screams and cries get mixed in with the choir singing
Getting smacked with a Bible
Children’s homily, a promise that guilt can be lifted with prayer
It is quiet in the church.


Dec. 04, 2021

Save me save me save me
Do you still think my eyes are as pretty as the sea?
Would you still hold me
Would your hands still be as kind if you knew?
All the wars that I’ve been through?
Bury me in a shirt of yours, I want to be by your favourite apple tree as I return to the stars
Carry my soul gently, please
Don’t be disgusted when you see my scars
And I shall write my will with ease


Dec. 04, 202Y

Your are your love
Your heart is filled with the stars of connection
Your touch brings life


Dec. 10, 2021

I can't be with you and not get hurt
Every Sunday I go to this church
The place you told me that I'll be the one you marry
For years I've held all the traumas you forced me to carry
I still wear your old, worn shirt
I've grown on my own, learning to take care of myself
Now I sit at my window, envying your health
And while I may not have your wealth
But I rest easy knowing that I, unlike you, will be loved 'til death


Dec. 11, 2021

To be liked is to be realized
Even as the sun rises and sets, the moon dances with it to make sure the world stays watched
Bring yourself out of the fog, my dear
And as the mist clears,
You’ll see that my body casts no reflection unto the water
Pay little mind to the stains on my dress
I’ll bring you out of your distress,
And you will see that being a ghost is so much better!


Dec. 12, 2021

“But who, what, am I if not your rock? Or your hero? The friend that’s always willing to listen despite my health, simply because I have no use otherwise?”


Dec. 14, 2021

I want girls to look at me in the hallway and think 'woah he's so pretty'
I want to be the boy you write about in your journal
The girl whose name you doodle hearts around in class
The boy you see while walking to maths and stay up late thinking about
Write about me in your diary with a pink gel pen
I want that low, rumbly voice that makes you stop and stare
I want to have eyes that sparkle in the sun
I want girls to glance at me before looking away while their heart is pounding
I want you think of me kissing you as your face goes hot
For you to wonder what my hand would feel like in yours
I want to be that boy
I want to be that girl
But I'm not.
I'm just stuck.


Dec. 16, 2021

As our New Year approaches I wish for all of us that we feel a sense of renewal and hope
Cry when midnight hits, know you made it through, rejoice in the progress you’ve made
The past will stay and the future is dreadful, but as it turns into the present it’s talons will turn to cotton and its fearful eyes will close when it sleeps
All droughts will end, flowers will bloom again, water will flow down a stream, and you will wake up and breathe easy again


Dec. 16, 2021

Broken glass littered the carpet
The pillow I got you for your birthday is on your bed
Happy, foggy memories of those little hamsters
I saw you there on that roof, looking up at the sky
And in your broken grace, ethereal ugliness,
You held me and said
“Someday soon, you will be okay. Soon, soon,”
As you pulled your knife out of my chest
I heard the intermingling cracking of my ribs and your hips
It reminded me of the bonfire in your backyard that night
Slowly turn off the light in your eyes
Close the door and we’ll run upstairs and stay awake for too long
Our legs will give out and we’ll talk our voices raw but that’s okay


With love,
The girl who used to love you like how time loves erosion


Dec. 23, 202Y

Do you ever think of the people that you left behind ?

Not intentionally of course
You just stopped talking
That girl you used to love,
The kid you sat next to and talked with everyday,
The boy you met on a trip then never saw again,
The people on the group-chat that you left years ago,
Online friends that suddenly stopped posting one day ?
I like to think that they remember me
There's no way of knowing but
Maybe they still watch the show you recommended ?
Maybe they still get that ice cream flavour because it was your favourite ?
Is your old comfort song still on their playlist ?
Do they use the recipe you gave them ?
And maybe it's sad,
Thinking of the past so much,
But isn't it nice ? To think that you're meaningful enough to leave an impact ?


Dec. 23, 2021

Wide, watchful eyes
A mouth shut closed
Freckled face
Quiet, kept close
Small hands
Soft skin
Stuffed animal in hand
Quiet, kept close
Room painted pink
Toothy smile
Scars on arms and legs
Quiet, kept close
Hugging a mother's skirt at the supermarket
Flinching away at raised hands
Locked washroom door
Quiet, kept close
Smell of smoke, causing headaches
Hiding upstairs with yelling in the kitchen
Jackets, hoodies, and long pants
Quiet, kept close
Guilt that can't be scrubbed away


Dec. 25, 2021

Broken and wounded holiness
A bird shot in the wing,
Still alive but flightless
A being completely at the mercy of kind hands
Can anyone mend my broken heart ?
Can I still be saved ?
A fall from grace so beautiful
When I die, wrap me up in cloth
Take my body and bury it under her fruit tree
Oh, oh
Sickness healing
Loss of faith
A heart so tender and bruised
Love me without a god
I wish not for a pure or holy love,
I want love made from healing, kindness chosen even during trauma
Tell me, tell me,
Guardian angel
What is prayer ?
Is it the abused, begging for forgiveness ?
The bruised knees and clasped hands ?
The words so heavy on your tongue ?
Or the god that hears them but looks away ?
Help me, cleanse me
Of the filth of mistreatment
Flightless bird saved by His caring hands
Child fearing their parents
Turned water to wine
But couldn’t keep me safe


Dec. 25, 2021

Hello ? I just wanted to see you again to say,
You're not immortal or without scars,
But here
You are still alive,
You are still trying to thrive,
It's not great, maybe not even good,
But you made it
You made it farther than you could ever make it before
Maybe it's not fate or horoscope it could just be chance
Plain old human spite, will and strength
Maybe you were forced to, even when your muscles grew tired and weak
But you're still here.
Humanity isn't beautiful
It is ugly and messy and badly made
Words come spilling out without meaning or a common thread
The sun beats down on us, sweat is gross and slick
We're messed up and selfish
Evil and not wanted
But, hey, we survived didn't we ?
None of us meant to end up here
Hell, maybe you were never supposed to be here
Yet you are.
Summer is full of bugs and sand and heat
So we made ice cream
Bodies are gross and confusing
We learned anatomy and medicine
Call it anger, call it immoral
But you stay


Despite it all you stay, so take a second or an hour or a year to remember that you survived despite it all


Dec. 25, 2021

Need to die
The need to die
You are not Icarus,
Not a fool in love with the sun,
But you are his wings
Melting and trying,
Trying oh so hard,
To lead him to salvation
And yet you can't
Yet you melt and fall apart
Made to fly and born to die
Smile and laugh as you drown
You got to touch all that is warmth and light
Now in your burnt out candle, you will get to rest


Dec. 27, 2021

I saw a blue jay this morning,
It should have been nothing, I see them everyday
But today, oh today, it reminded me
It's a strange sort of mourning,
Knowing that you'll die and life will go on
You could change the world in any which way
But that's just how it'll be
//
I keep waking up still tired
I told my brother and he said that's just how I'm wired
I get sick but life continues, as it always does
I pray to the stars but they said they can only try
No matter, no matter, whom I love the world will return to what it was
//
I woke up during mid-winter
I lay in my bed as I watch life swirl and flow and splinter
Try to wonder why we're here at all
I don't typically ask for much, but try to remember me
Remember me how we remember stars long since dead
I keep having these dreams where I'm blinded, unable to see
And when I open my eyes everything sinks and I start to fall
Tell them I've died, try to forget all the mean words that were said


Dec. 29, 2021

So I guess this is goodbye then, huh ?
I wish you well
I hope you become a better person
I hope whoever you find doesn't break your heart
Take care of yourself, for me
I guess this is it
I love you, goodbye